Saturday, August 30, 2003
three days.
thought of the day:
"assuming makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'." -kenny kunz
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i recently added a comments link to my poetry site, so if you read any of my poems, please take a minute or so to leave your thoughts. i appreciate feedback. so if you read anything of mine (may it be anything on this site or my poetry one), please leave a comment! i'd love to hear from you.
check my quotes site. it will have a mass update soon after this.
miss you.
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decisions being made, sacrifices to be paid. but i will pay them. you can bet me on that.
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i posted this thought as the "thought of the day" once, long ago. i actually think it was the first time i had ever put up a thought of the day. it read as follows: "are you chasing after what you want, or are you running from all that you fear?". and i wanted to further evaluate this thought today.
there was a time in my life when i ran away from my fears. if i was going somewhere, anywhere... it was because i was running away. and i hated it. because if you're running away, you have nowhere to go. a road with no map, a journey with no destination, a life with no meaning.
then something happened to me, something life-changing enough to make a pivotal point in my life. i believe this something to be love. something i had never felt until i met this someone. and i had something to chase after. something to live for. it was a great feeling.
and it is contagious. pretty soon, everything that i've been doing seemed to find a goal. i was doing things for a good reason. i finally had found out that i am moving forward because there's something beyond what i could see. and ambition grew. i gladly moved on.
but relationships have their end. honestly, i was bummed out for a while. but then i realized that i was in a situation i was never put in: i had nothing to run from, and nothing to look forward to. basically, i was inert, unaware of the rapid movements of this chaotic world and stuck in my own. i was motionless. my feet would not take steps forward nor backward.
it was about then, i realized the three people that i cannot do without. there is no need in mentioning their names; that is irrelevant. besides, they should know who they are. and something was buliding inside me. with all their powers combined with mine, i chose to take steps forward.
this story of mine, by all means, is not bad at all. in fact, i do not regret anything that happened, nor wish for anything different. i loved each moment of it, for it has made me stronger and my love has grown stronger. besides, this isn't the ONLY time i realized the importance of moving on; this is just an example.
and in the midst of my journey, i sought for something to chase after. anything, i thought. i soon found out that music had been my soul all along. and for music, i kept going. i soon found something. someone. and now, this is the reason i will chase you until my legs cannot carry me.
thank you, for giving me a reason to look forward to the future.
thought of the day:
to say something without saying anything at all is beautiful. but if Silence cannot speak, how can Love hear?
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Thursday, August 21, 2003
special happy birthday to miguel de leon. may another year bring the best of life. hope you have a great day :)
we are survivors, after all.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003
long post coming soon.
missing you
in the midst of catching
myself.
thought of the day:
kindness is never a one-way street.
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i'm so glad for everything and everyone that i have.
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Saturday, August 16, 2003
in an attempt to make this easier for me and my friends in socal, i decided to make an online calendar. the sole reason for this lies in the efficiency. i will most certainly not have time to inform everyone (though i would love to) about my whereabouts, what i will be doing this week, why i will be in another state, etc. so then an idea popped into my head. and the online calender is the answer.
i am not the most organized person (for those who don't know yet) in the world, so it was debatable, really, if i should do this or not. but then i realized that if i were in my friends' shoes, i would want to know where my "now college friend" is, what he/she is doing. so for my friends that i will miss dearly, i have created this in order for them to be able to contact me.
at this point, the online calendar is half-baked. not everything in my plans are listed as of yet, because that, i do not know. i have to actually start classes to know the times and such. so once i do, i will most definitely post the details (so you know when you can reach me by phone... you know, when i don't have any classes in some random hour or something). the schedule is, like any other schedule, tentative and anything can change. however, this is a much better glance into my life than any e-mail i send. so basically, if you want to get a hold of me, talk to me on the phone, see me, whatnot... check the online calendar first. then, if you still have questions, e-mail me. we'll work things out. i promise.
the link for the calender is under where's (i)am mai? in the right hand side of this site, with all the other links.
so that our friendship doesn't end... please check often for updates, and keep in touch. i am trying my best to not fade away. this calendar is one of my efforts. and i will miss you dearly in college, my friends...
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as i browse through my friends' sites, i find that most are thanking their closest friends for their sincerity and friendship, for their time well spent. i have yet to be able to do that in a single post.
to me, everyone who has impacted my life in someway cannot be expressed by words of gratitude. i once posted a long entry about felsh (heehee), but that was it. if i were to thank someone, it'd take me so long, and i'd fail. (just read my poetry site.) so if i try and i don't do you justice (yes, you), please forgive me. i am trying my best.
this post is not actually a thank you card, i just wanted to express that thought.
something to ponder: "a vision without action is a daydream. any action without vision is a nightmare." -japanese proverb
this post's topic is actually about appearance. it's amazing what first impressions give a person. either curiosity or comformity, if you know what i mean.
i was watching this thing on tv (japanese tv is great), and i came across "pablum hour" (a term i created when nothing on tv is worth watching). i was flipping channels and found to my disbelief, "beauty judge", or the show is so called. i became intrigued the moment i saw the people who were there (excuse my frank language): fat, non-athletic, unkempt, flat out "ugly" people, begging to be changed by these beauty experts on the show. don't get me wrong: i was not attracted to the fact that the judges were making fun of these people. that is definitely not what intrigues me enough to watch the show. in fact, it was the complete opposite. it was the side of me that wanted to punch these shallow-minded people that kept me watching.
the first person was rather large (for an asian), both in height and in width. she worked 10 hours a day, standing, with her feet together and greeting people as they came into the clothing store. to effectively show-off her clothing line, she wore her own items, which were fit for someone half as large. basically, from what the tv captured, she was showing off parts of her body she shouldn't, especially if she wanted er clothes to sell. so she came on the show. she was very charismatic, and she took each blow from the judges with a laugh. but i didn't understand. no matter how much she laughs, i'm sure dealing with it everyday must be something very difficult. i'm was sure her heart was crying. and then one of the judges put her on an expensive diet, complete with salon visits (all free of charge for her, of course. the show pays all.). two months later, she came back on the show and the glow of her smile had completely changed.
for one, she had lost about 25 pounds and was looking slim. she fit nicely in the clothes she sells, and her face. i think i saw the ost drastic change in her facial expressions. though before the transformation, she smiled and laughed just as much, her face glowed with confidence. yes-- confidence is a powerful thing. she then thanked the people on the show who had helped her, and left.
one of the other victims that really caught my eye was this 24-year old lady. she looked far too old to be twenty-four. her hair was messy and her cheeks had sunken in. it was as if there was no life in her. it turns out that she had grown up never having friends. people would stereotype her because of her eyes. they were as big as slits, and were placed very far apart from each other. her nose had slid down her face and she never smiled.
she came on she show to ask if there was anything they could do to fix this "deformity" of her face. and i put "deformity" in quotations because i dont consider it one. why must anyone be generalized by their appearance? her work partners called her a "fish" because her eyes were so far apart, and commented to the reporter that she looked pissed all the time and when she tris to converse with them, it made them feel uneasy and want to throw up. and these are grown adults, ladies and gentlemen. can you imagine, a group of 24-year old women gossiping about how ugly someone is? pathetic.
the judge had told her that her eyes were not actually placed far apart. rather, her nose was so flat that it made no impression of a nose at all. he also said that "by lifting the flattened zone between the eyes by raising the nose, the distance between the two eyes would 'seem' to shorten. basically, an optical illusion. she went through various plastic surgeries on her face. one on her nose (as mentioned above) and one on each eye (lifting her upper lid for fullness). when she had returned a month later on the show, the confidence level had skyrocketed: she was smiling.
and to think, that something so simple, like appearance, had something to do with their inner contentment. i mean, i understand. looking good is something everyone dreams about, and trying to flaunt what you got is by all means wonderful. if however, for any reason, you are submissive to the criticism, like there is nowhere else to go except down with them... then the problem is born. there is NO reason anyone should change their appearance for anyone. if you want to put silicone in your breasts, fine. if you have the need to have higher cheekbones, please go right ahead. but you know what? changing yourself for someone else to accept you? now that's insecurity right there. you don't even have the confidence to be yourself? god damn, who are you going to be then?!
in the end, i became infuriated with the people bringing them down and the people who followed their lead. i changed the channel right then and there. i then realized that i'm so glad to be me, to be what no one else can be.
be more confident in yourself. i can see it in you. people can see it from miles away. and it's beautiful. so show it.
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i finally got to go online today. it was so nice to talk to people. i miss each and every single one of you, and then some.
please check my poetry site. i happened to be in a very "writey" mood the past couple of weeks, and there are some poems there that express my thoughts as of now. so do take a visit if you can spare the time.
you never seize to amaze me.
thought of the day:
more than anything else, we desire the future, the tomorrow that awaits.
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navneet-- special happy birthday to you. i'm sorry that it's a day late. but i hope all your wishes come true! go usc boi!
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thought of the day:
we are all weak, and the weak stick together to become strong. so take me with you.
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i am so glad i have my friends.
thank you for your constant, unconditional support and love.
sending all of you love overseas...
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perhaps you should visit my poetry site for some new poems if you have the chance and time...
thought of the day:
distance certainly does prove love to be real.
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there are 22 more days to enjoy my homeland.
i've noticed that i've been talking about how hot it is over here, how boring it is, and then it hit me. i have yet to tell you the best part of this place. i feel like i've not been doing it justice.
being born in japan is something that most others call "cool" or "interesting". i have always answered those remarks with "it's not THAT great..." but maybe it is. other asians go crazy over this place, and america imports SO many japan-originated things, namely cars and electronics. it is a small world, after all.
the roads are narrow and you can barely fit two cars side by side. one car has to stop and let the other pass before it can do the same. there are bicyclists riding down the middle of the road causing a traffic jam for those in vehicles. there are people walking in school uniforms that i once wore. gasoline stations are not self-serve; they do everything for you. they fill gas, wash the windows, wax them... and then they even excort you out on to the streets. they stop the cars that are coming so that the customer can easily pass. amazing, huh?
and talk about service. restaurants scream "customers are god" all over the place. one mistake and their boss yells until their throats go dry. if the customers aren't happy, the employees do their best to make them content. "thank you-- we appreciate you" is the motto.
an american came to japan once, and said that "the japanese are unfriendly." well, i guess, at a glance. most people you know will smile back if you smile, even if you don't know them. they are more willing to open up and talk to you. japanese people have the tendency to no accept people that easily. i've overcome this, of course, because i've lived in the states a longer period of time than in japan. but that's not the point. japanese people take a longer time to open up, therefore causing to build a barrier that we must break down for each other before our titles become acquaintances rather than complete stranger. but once that happens, we are friendly.
manners are enforced. some of the parents i know (my friends' parents and such) tell me (or i indirectly find out) that i am really polite. maybe. but i think of it more as practice. i've been told to be this way and that way for elders and i just know of no other way. even the way i call my parents is subconciously language that we'd call polite. it's like spanish (and other romance languages)-- there's a completely different way to say things to an elder. so i was just raised that way.
but i wouldn't have it any other way. there are things in japanese society that americans would call "absurd" and "unbelievable", but that's just how we are. and little me-- a japanese girl in america.
there's more of where this came from.
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Thursday, August 07, 2003
hu...mi...di...........ty. i don't think i've ever hated a word this much for a while. but it is SO butt-hot over here.
thanks for the "let's save mai" e-mails. i really do enjoy reading them... so please keep them coming.
don't know how else to say this: THANK YOU.
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i've been thinking (now that i have time to be bored for once), a lot about the little things in life. and by this, i mean the "hi" you said to your friend you saw today, the "g'mornin'" you gave your mom this morning, the smile you put on someone's face, the moment your heart jumped when you found out your crush liked you. the things that make the big picture. it's just as important, then, as the product. besides, there would be no product without the reactants, in chemistry terms, and no solutions without the problem.
what if the faintest answer you give someone (and this is carelessly, of course) could change whether or not you succeed in life? what if your own answer became detrimental to yourself? or what if the absence of an answer was the reason why you lost a friend, or if your actions (or the lack thereof) lead to a death of a loved one? each action you take, each word you speak, each emotion you feel sums up to what you have become. the simple smile you gave a week ago is just as important as the talk you had with your friend about the current standing of the relationship. every single second of your life is not wasted. it's not. trust me.
i'm not saying for anyone to watch their every step. i'm just saying to become more aware of the fact that you are constantly doing something that will change your future significantly. and if you don't believe me, count all the times you've smiled at someone and became their friend (or even, best friend). count all the times someone has helped you out in the past. their actions must somewhat reflect your own actions-- maybe you've been a help to them at one point. in any case, be aware that someone, if not yourself, is watching you. and every action, every minute, counts.
thought of the day:
the small make the large.
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well, i'm in japan.
and the humidity has attacked my brain. there's no way it can be this hot... oh, but it is.
please-- e-mail me if you have time on your hands. i'm bored as butt over here.
longer update later.
i miss all of you over in the states. especially you.
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thought of the day (8-2-2003):
trust your instincts.
thought of the day (8-3-2003):
carpe diem.
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sometimes, the only thing you need is a caring smile from your best friend, a warm gaze by your significant other, or an unexpected conpliment to brighten your day. i must say, that within the past 5 hours, a lot has happened.
this isn't the place for me to just make a bullet list, you know? "this is why i am feeling this way." and then the list will start. no-- i can't do that. it's not that impersonal. in fact, maybe a bit too personal.
i am just content with my current state. i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. those who have contributed to my mood of the night: i don not have to give names. you should know. and thank you.
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i think i owe tons of gratitude toward many people. i can think of five people right off the top of my head. what i cannot say then, i hope, is understood.
pulling an all-nighter. stay tuned.
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Saturday, August 02, 2003
wow.
the moon is awfully beautiful tonight, isn't it?
thank you, miguel.
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still sick. my throat feels like there's a gargantuan melon stuck there, and the medicine isn't doing its job. some timing, right? i mean, i only go to japan in three days. yeesh.
so i sit here in front of a computer, doing something that doesn't require me talking.
this makes me realize (for some reason...) something. with nothing better to do, i decide to post this somewhat enlightening topic. you have neither to agree nor disagree-- all i ask is for you to listen.
before my years at canyon high school, i had been this introvert. i had friends, but they were also the quiet type around people they did not know well. i kept my true self under a cloak because i was too afraid to show it. needless to say, i am neither an introvert nor a reserved person anymore. i speak quite clearly what is on my mind, motivate others to do the same, and have been the greeter in numerous occasions. when did this all change...? it must have been the end of my freshman year. i had finally noticed that i was playing hide-and-seek with myself all along. and after three years of the real me in the public eye, i've refined myself into what i am now. the way i think has completely changed. the words i verbalize are more assertive, and my confidence has grown. some might consider this change irrational and for the worse. i'm sorry i can't please everybody. i'm constantly trying to polish myself, hone my strengths, defeat my weaknesses... everyone goes through this in their life.
why did i give you this brief history? well... to better know me, of course. some of my underclassmen friends have told me that i was the first person that walked up to them and conversed with them when they first joined band. i feel so delighted to hear such a thing-- it means that i am making someone feel accepted and welcoming them to talk to me. only an ex-introvert would know how it feels to be trapped inside this silencing mask. some of my best friends now express themselves freely, and many of them thank me for it. i know nothing else but to reply, "you're welcome.", but is it really me? sure, i have initiated a reason for these people to open their minds, but in actuality, i can't make someone do anything. so by free will, they have obliged to show themselves. for that, i applaud their courage. and thank them for their compliments.
which brings me to another thing i've noticed: kindness. it is despicable just how filthy human beings are. some honestly have abandoned the golden rule altogether. to think that fire is the only way to fight fire, that revenge is the only justice, that one only acts upon the mentioning of returned reward... we humans have become ugly. gandhi once said, "an eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind." well-- then we're all blind, aren't we? selfish, greedy, materialistic assholes.
yeah, there's truth in that. it's a wonder how we still exist. but then again, i sometimes witness true acts of kindness that will never leave my memory. and maybe this is the reason why we go on: finding genuine kindness within a living hell.
i sometimes hear about these tragic accidents where the witness wishes to remain anonymous. oh, how i admire those people. imagine, a man rescuing a boy from a burning building. he takes the child to safety, then disappears. the parents of the child would love to give a reward for the saving of their son, but the rescuer is nowhere to be found. if the man was like the majority of people living in this world, he'd have stayed the extra 15 minutes to report to the newscaster what he had just witnessed, the good deed he had done, and taken the reward from the family. it would have been announced on national tv that he had saved a little boy from a house engulfed in flames (a story obviously exaggerated) and the whole town would praise him for his wonderful deed. the headlines of a local newspaper would read: "a true hero", and a picture of his face would meet numerous pairs of eyes. he'd have his fifteen minutes of fame; he'd be famous.
but no; this man did not linger several minutes after the tragedy, did not wait for the police to come, refused to give a name. why? it boggles me that these anonymous people do what they do. fame, money, and praise? most people couldn't (and wouldn't) resist. to think that there still are people in this world whose actions aren't solely for the benefit of themselves reassures me that tomorrow will come. and for those of you who do come across this blog and fall into this category--people who call for help and then depart without a name of recognition-- thank you. i admire your doings. i know that people like you are out there, and it's magnificent that you don't need someone else to tell you just how wonderful you are. self-contentment will lead to true salvation.
more personally speaking, i've seen kindness in all sorts of shapes and forms. to me, they are essential in life. one day, i was stuck at school because i had accidentally locked myself out of my car. my spare keys were at my house, which i was willing to walk to go get. as i thought this, a friend by the name of dave hall comes over and sits next to me. "something wrong?", he asked. i told him about my dilemma, and he gives me a caring stare. "... maybe i can help you. hang on..." and he left me there to ponder. he didn't have a car... or even if he did, he had no license. i contemplated his words for a while, and then he came back. "hey, mai. my sister's on her way. she can take you to your house, and bring us back here." i was in complete shock with his words. they didn't quite register in my brain until minutes later. he smiled and said, "let's wait over there for my sister."
once in the car, i was introduced, and it suddenly hit me: i had never known dave even had a sister. and here she was, taking me to my house, helping me. our first encounter and she just smiled and said, "i know that if this happened to me, i'd want someone to do this for me, too." i had this warmth blanket me whole. i coudn't believe how kind they were. i bid farewell to her with a "thank you", and she just nods and says "no problem!" i looked at dave and he understood. "don't worry about it," was all he said.
dave, you may have forgotten about this incident, but i remember. i will remember eternally, your act of kindness that has touched my heart. and if you ever need anything-- i will be there. not that you asked me to, but solely out of kindness too scarce in this world in which we live.
i can name more. i've experienced the warmth that only true kindness gives. thanks to all those who have given their "share" of kindness to me, and i only wish to return my amount. but then again, kindness cannot be measured...
the kindness you give is the kindness you will receive in return. maybe not in an instant, maybe not even from the person you gave a dose to. but you will. trust me, you will.
thought of the day:
nothing is live is created. it's only transferred.
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